She looked at me and said, “You are going to have to give me more.”
I remember sitting on our yellow front room couch next to Jed. It was probably our second time meeting with her and I sat totally disoriented by her statement.
More? More. Was there suppose to be more than this? It’s one of those strange moments like when everyone gets a joke and laughs and you realizing you are the only one not laughing, so you suddenly bursts out laughing, even though you don’t know why.
I wished I could get the joke. I did know though that in the silence between us there was an expectation…
“I am not sure what you mean by more. What exactly are you looking for?”
“I don’t know, I was just expecting more,” she said.
More. The word drilled into my heart. More. It began to beat to an old familiar rhythm inside me. I had given of all my insides and it was met by this…silence…and inability to get a clean picture of who I was. How else could I explain?
We had invited this almost complete stranger into our home. We had interviewed multiple doulas and this is the one that seemed to fit best. Because of my complications with Mr Rs birth, I knew for sure I wanted an advocate this time around. So I had answered all her questions and shared intimate details, emotional and physical about the birth of my first child. I had shared my troubles, my concerns, my joys.
My life was an open book for her to read. She had picked it up, skimmed it, and, leaving it lying open on her lap, had not understood a word of it.
Right about this time, Mr R wandered into the room to check on us. His Mickey Mouse show was probably over. I picked him up and put him on my lap. I kissed him on the head, looked up at our doula, waded through the expectation in the air and remembered my strength.
“This is all I’ve got I said. I’m not sure what more you are anticipating but I have told you all that I know.” She left shortly after that, said she had some things to think about. I wasn’t sure she was going to come back to be truthful. But the beautiful part is that she did and eventually my relationship with my doula evolved into a friendship I very much cherish and respect to this day.